To blog or not to blog? The answer for now, obviously, is Yes. As I am not up for FaceBook, this blog will have to serve as my electronic postcard: GREETINGS FROM CABIN IN NOYO RIVER CANYON! From Paris to Ohio to Santa Barbara to cabin - here until Grand Canyon River trip beginning on Labor Day. It's just me + 8 chicks + garden (s) + stack of books + walks + endless chores.
Tomorrow marks my six month anniversary of freedom from 8 to 5 job. Just about one year since I began the decluttering process, giving clothes, jewelery, and handbags to my daughter. Just about ready to do a clothes & stuff inventory.
My newest revelation: How difficult it is for me to settle down and commit - no matter if it is a Person/Place or Thing. (Okay, have always known about squirminess with People). My desire is to wrestle with this "thing" and be able to make this cabin my home for now. When I look back at how much energy, time and money I have frittered away because I was incapable of settling down - ouch! Granted, there are mighty deep scars that caused the running.
What would it be like to say: I am comfortable ENOUGH; I am going to do my best to make this a Home. Of course my mind goes to worst case scenario: what if you do all this work, get attached and then a forest fire rages through destroying it all. The trickster mind can always be quieted - and what if . . . I would do it again.
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fears. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
One of the Thousands of Statues/Sculptures in Paris
What Was I Doing Before Travelling?
I am back now at the cabin - bodily for a couple of days, mentally not yet.
Woke up in middle of night worried about the future - along the lines: What were you thinking? And why does it seem to be a good idea to sell the cabin and give away most of your belongings?
Of course there is no logical answer, only that it seems important to be prepared for something or some thing - And I do have faith/vision that the reasons will be revealed. God, I sound like a mystic in training.
Back to painting the bathroom.
I am back now at the cabin - bodily for a couple of days, mentally not yet.
Woke up in middle of night worried about the future - along the lines: What were you thinking? And why does it seem to be a good idea to sell the cabin and give away most of your belongings?
Of course there is no logical answer, only that it seems important to be prepared for something or some thing - And I do have faith/vision that the reasons will be revealed. God, I sound like a mystic in training.
Back to painting the bathroom.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Slippery Slope or Slip?
The jury is still out - not sure if my extravagant expenditures are rooted in feeling less than or healthy enhancement of the self.
I do know I spent a lot of dough in less than 24 hours in SF. Box of hair color $16, chemical free make-up (I know, hypocritical, chemicals in hair dye - just not the really bad ones as the dime store hair dye) - this one hurts to admit: close to $70 (includes $6.50 for peppermint oil to make my own toothpaste) - one bright spot 20% coupon off everything (or not - if I did not have the coupon I would have probably spent ZERO. AND clothes at great consignment store - 3 items total a touch over $200. Haircut $70. (not finished yet) tea, coffee & one meal out, give or take $30.
The good news is a spending spree such as this is only once a year - and if I cost average, not too bad. Could I have made due with what I have? Certainly. Is it worth replaying the "should I take back such and such" or should I just move on. Certainly get over it, enjoy what I got and close the chapter.
Simplicity: the mind sometimes throws "good" ideas into the mix and gets me off track = slippery slope.
Frugality: no - spending money is never frugal, in my book - esp. if it's on sale.
Design: I can go for the self-design aspect - why not look as good as I can? Who sees me more than I do (right now) and not crazy about an unzippy reflection.
I do know I spent a lot of dough in less than 24 hours in SF. Box of hair color $16, chemical free make-up (I know, hypocritical, chemicals in hair dye - just not the really bad ones as the dime store hair dye) - this one hurts to admit: close to $70 (includes $6.50 for peppermint oil to make my own toothpaste) - one bright spot 20% coupon off everything (or not - if I did not have the coupon I would have probably spent ZERO. AND clothes at great consignment store - 3 items total a touch over $200. Haircut $70. (not finished yet) tea, coffee & one meal out, give or take $30.
The good news is a spending spree such as this is only once a year - and if I cost average, not too bad. Could I have made due with what I have? Certainly. Is it worth replaying the "should I take back such and such" or should I just move on. Certainly get over it, enjoy what I got and close the chapter.
Simplicity: the mind sometimes throws "good" ideas into the mix and gets me off track = slippery slope.
Frugality: no - spending money is never frugal, in my book - esp. if it's on sale.
Design: I can go for the self-design aspect - why not look as good as I can? Who sees me more than I do (right now) and not crazy about an unzippy reflection.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I Admit I Screamed
Wow - not when I see the picture of the cabin with all the junk around the deck on the header photo of blog - sure hope soon I will be able to replace photo with a deck and only one bench.
No, I screamed when a huge bat was flying in the bedroom, not close to the ceiling, away from me, but low in the room, at my head level. Just where he could get tangled in my hair.
We had just turned out the lights, maybe I had even drifted far enough from consciousness when the BF asks me if I heard a noise - what kind of noise? He knew it could be the sound of only one thing: A Bat.
On went the lights and under the covers I went - momentarily - until I could get out of the room. He came up with a plan: put gloves on, get an old sheet & try to get the bat caught up enough so he could get a hold of it & free him (must of been a him) outside. I thought I could be in room when he began the entrapment adventure. But when the bat was flying so close to me I involuntarily screamed, maybe more than once. I was gratefully asked to leave the room. I was no help. The bat's wing span I swear was a foot - at least.
The BF was successful - thank you! - but now he has gone back to the Big City for a couple of weeks and I am on my own. I hope on my own.
One more thing to add to my fear list.
No, I screamed when a huge bat was flying in the bedroom, not close to the ceiling, away from me, but low in the room, at my head level. Just where he could get tangled in my hair.
We had just turned out the lights, maybe I had even drifted far enough from consciousness when the BF asks me if I heard a noise - what kind of noise? He knew it could be the sound of only one thing: A Bat.
On went the lights and under the covers I went - momentarily - until I could get out of the room. He came up with a plan: put gloves on, get an old sheet & try to get the bat caught up enough so he could get a hold of it & free him (must of been a him) outside. I thought I could be in room when he began the entrapment adventure. But when the bat was flying so close to me I involuntarily screamed, maybe more than once. I was gratefully asked to leave the room. I was no help. The bat's wing span I swear was a foot - at least.
The BF was successful - thank you! - but now he has gone back to the Big City for a couple of weeks and I am on my own. I hope on my own.
One more thing to add to my fear list.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wild Animals
Number Two on my List of Fears (not in any particular order on the Fear Scale)
I have carried a romanticized version of certain writers' day-to-day life - Virginia Woolf, the brother and sister Wordsworth and a number of other English writers. They seemed to walk every afternoon - after a morning of writing. (I am picking out the part I like about this vision, not the writing and migrane/serious psychological disorders part).
Walking has been a part of my life for years. My first big time walking started when I quit the nicotine habit many moons ago. San Francisco is no place for a car, though I certainly used one for transporting my daughter. If I had it to do over I would use public transportation. When she went away to college I sold the car - work was about 3.5 miles each way - which is only a 50 minute walk.
Get to the wild animals.
Here in the woods certain scary animals have been cited: bears and wild big cats - and I have seen the remains of their feasts - bones picked clean. I cannot always walk with my neighbor & her dogs.
Something about the rhythm of walking and the variation of sites does wonders for my mental health and this time is all about health. The dirt road by the cabin continues on for another 2 miles - I figure as a car or two travels the road per day the word is out to the bigger animals to stay away: cars are not friendly. After a week of walking the dirt road I am feeling more comfortable - I will have to live with my fear and do it any way.
I have carried a romanticized version of certain writers' day-to-day life - Virginia Woolf, the brother and sister Wordsworth and a number of other English writers. They seemed to walk every afternoon - after a morning of writing. (I am picking out the part I like about this vision, not the writing and migrane/serious psychological disorders part).
Walking has been a part of my life for years. My first big time walking started when I quit the nicotine habit many moons ago. San Francisco is no place for a car, though I certainly used one for transporting my daughter. If I had it to do over I would use public transportation. When she went away to college I sold the car - work was about 3.5 miles each way - which is only a 50 minute walk.
Get to the wild animals.
Here in the woods certain scary animals have been cited: bears and wild big cats - and I have seen the remains of their feasts - bones picked clean. I cannot always walk with my neighbor & her dogs.
Something about the rhythm of walking and the variation of sites does wonders for my mental health and this time is all about health. The dirt road by the cabin continues on for another 2 miles - I figure as a car or two travels the road per day the word is out to the bigger animals to stay away: cars are not friendly. After a week of walking the dirt road I am feeling more comfortable - I will have to live with my fear and do it any way.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Going Out On A Limb
This sabbatical, to date, seems to be about Facing Fears - going into it, all I knew was that I would not know what to expect - how's that for a twisted sentence?
Fears:
1. Depression
2. Being attacked by wild animals as in bears and/or wild cats - probably at the same time
3. Chimney fire & cabin burning down
4, Physically never get back my strength & being stiff & crunchy the rest of my days
5. Never being able to get a job again
6. Being caffeine addict the rest of my life
7. At the end of my days - or whenever - finding out there is no god
8. Always having certain food preferences & not being satisfied with less
Remedies:
1. As I knew would be spending much time alone in the days coming up, it called for a ramping up of taking care of my business so as not to drop into a slump. The mind, being a wily force, seems to forget the things to help once a slight slide is perceived. The action called for was writing out a chart, as simple-minded as it sounds, of those things to help: walk, exercise, meditate, and be grateful. All stops were pulled on the gratitude tool: each weight set I finished, each step I took, I said "Thank You" - as crazy as it sounds, don't ask me why - IT WORKS - my days are happy. (Will keep this post just to #1 - god issue too big to tackle right now).
Simplicity: There are only a few things I need to do every day to make a world of difference on my outlook & thus my productivity: exercise - weights & walking & stretching & shoulder/headstands - granted totals a good 2.5 hours.
Frugality: By spending this time and all aspects of my health, am investing in my future capacity to earn money. As I read once on a PF blog somewhere - our greatest asset is the ability to earn $ - (unless you have a great portfolio :-)
Design: As I design my day-to-day life in the present, am planning for my future.
Fears:
1. Depression
2. Being attacked by wild animals as in bears and/or wild cats - probably at the same time
3. Chimney fire & cabin burning down
4, Physically never get back my strength & being stiff & crunchy the rest of my days
5. Never being able to get a job again
6. Being caffeine addict the rest of my life
7. At the end of my days - or whenever - finding out there is no god
8. Always having certain food preferences & not being satisfied with less
Remedies:
1. As I knew would be spending much time alone in the days coming up, it called for a ramping up of taking care of my business so as not to drop into a slump. The mind, being a wily force, seems to forget the things to help once a slight slide is perceived. The action called for was writing out a chart, as simple-minded as it sounds, of those things to help: walk, exercise, meditate, and be grateful. All stops were pulled on the gratitude tool: each weight set I finished, each step I took, I said "Thank You" - as crazy as it sounds, don't ask me why - IT WORKS - my days are happy. (Will keep this post just to #1 - god issue too big to tackle right now).
Simplicity: There are only a few things I need to do every day to make a world of difference on my outlook & thus my productivity: exercise - weights & walking & stretching & shoulder/headstands - granted totals a good 2.5 hours.
Frugality: By spending this time and all aspects of my health, am investing in my future capacity to earn money. As I read once on a PF blog somewhere - our greatest asset is the ability to earn $ - (unless you have a great portfolio :-)
Design: As I design my day-to-day life in the present, am planning for my future.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Reasons Not to Blog
1. One has to be fairly consistent.
2. Have to practice "It does not matter what others think of me."
3. Have to put thoughts on paper = commit to ideas.
4. Fears have to surface: uncreative, unoriginal, slow-witted, inadequate writer & thinker, sound pathetic.
5. Cannot figure out (yet) how to upload photos (see #4).
6. Expose self.
7. All the above are reasons to write blog, in spite of it all.
Simplicity - What's not simple about writing? :-)
Frugality - It will cost me big time if I don't practice 1-7 as soon as possible.
Design - The design of my life imagined, slowly putting to life.
2. Have to practice "It does not matter what others think of me."
3. Have to put thoughts on paper = commit to ideas.
4. Fears have to surface: uncreative, unoriginal, slow-witted, inadequate writer & thinker, sound pathetic.
5. Cannot figure out (yet) how to upload photos (see #4).
6. Expose self.
7. All the above are reasons to write blog, in spite of it all.
Simplicity - What's not simple about writing? :-)
Frugality - It will cost me big time if I don't practice 1-7 as soon as possible.
Design - The design of my life imagined, slowly putting to life.
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